Pics or it didn't happen.
Old chemists never die. Their reactions just get slower.
Two old vultures were perched in a tree in Africa one day. The first said to the other, "I think we should go on a vacation. I'd like to see other parts of the world." The second vulture agreed, so they planned a trip to Toronto.
Now, both vultures knew that the Atlantic Ocean was too wide for them to fly across (especially considering their advanced ages), so they each bought a ticket on an airplane.
The departure day came, and the two vultures went to the airport with their tickets. They were stopped, however, when they tried to board the airplane. The steward said to them, "We can't allow you on the plane with that carcass," referring to the remains of a wild pig that the vultures were taking with them.
"Relax," said the first vulture. "It's just our carrion."
Old bank managers never die. They just lose interest.
If you're trying to train your feline and aren't making progress then you may want to try using several different approaches. After all, there's more than one way to Skinner a cat.
Old land surveyors never die. They just lose their bearings.
St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates one day, making sure that only the righteous were entering Heaven, when he saw four mice come up to him. He asked the mice what their names were and checked his list, and (sure enough) they were righteous and could enter.
Before they entered, though, one of the mice asked St. Peter, "How big is Heaven?"
St. Peter said that Heaven was very big. The mouse then expressed some concern about getting around because they only had small legs. St. Peter rubbed his chin in thought for a moment, then he had an idea. Within minutes, the mice were each fitted with tiny roller skates.
A little bit later that day, a cat approached St. Peter, and it turned out to be righteous as well. She rubbed herself against St. Peter's legs in gratitude for a few minutes, then walked in with her tail up in the air.
Later that evening, when he was off duty, St. Peter went for a stroll through Heaven, and found the cat curled up contentedly under a tree in a park. St. Peter asked the cat how she was enjoying Heaven.
The cat answered, "Y'know, I lived in a very comfortable home. I was given all the attention that I wanted, and I was fed whenever I wanted feeding. That was nothing compared to this place! Here, you even have meals-on-wheels!"
Old fishermen never die. They just smell that way.
Years ago, a civil engineer was hired by the City of Regina to design and build something that would attract tourists to the city. "We're tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes," the mayor told him. "We want you to come up with something big that will make Regina the centre of the world's attention."
So the engineer thought for a long, long time, and hit upon an idea. Using his talents to the fullest, he quickly designed a magnificent and beautiful bridge. Shortly afterwards, a contractor acquired some land and built the bridge, then the city council was invited to admire it. The council was horrified at what they saw.
"You idiot!" screamed the mayor. "You've built a bridge on a vacant lot! The rivers are kilometres away from here! Quick, tear it down, before anyone sees it!"
"We can't," replied the engineer. "There are three citizens fishing off of it."
Old accountants never die. They just get rounder figures.
Sony has developed a new personal entertainment device that you wear on your feet. It's a genuine Walkman, and it plays sole music.
There was a missionary who went to visit an island of cannibals in the Pacific Ocean and establish a mission there. He didn't get off to a very good start though, as he was captured and taken prisoner by the tribe as soon as his foot touched the sand of be beach. He was taken to the tribe's village, where the chief came out of his hut to inspect the latest sacrificial offering – and main course.
The missionary had done some research earlier and had learned to speak the tribe's language. He told the chief, "I don't think that I would make a good offering, for my flesh is very tough. You will not be able to eat it. Here, carve a piece out of my leg and try it." The missionary then exposed his right leg.
The chief took a knife and cut out a piece of the missionary's leg. He then placed the morsel in his mouth, and almost immediately spat it out in disgust. He said, "Your flesh is very tough, indeed, stranger. We cannot make an offering of you. You are free to go." The missionary, however, arranged to stay and build a mission in the village, and lead a thriving ministry there until his retirement at a ripe, old age.
He had a wooden leg.
A team of Canadian astronauts decided one year that they would be the first to send a person to the sun and bring them back again. When asked about how they will deal with the intense light and heat, their spokesperson proudly declared, "We have a plan that will deal with those effects: we will go at night."
I decided to go canoeing one day, so I packed a lunch, grabbed my canoe & paddle and took off down the river. I came to a shallow spot, and, as I was paddling, my paddle got stuck in the mud. I didn't want to let go of it because it was the only means of control that I had over the canoe, so I clung fast to it – and my canoe shot out from underneath me and continue on down the river without me. All of a sudden, the water dried up, and there I was – up the paddle without a creek.
Quasimodo was on the verge of retiring from his job of ringing the bells at Notre Dame cathedral. To ensure that there wouldn't be an interruption of service, he began soliciting for a replacement. One day, there was a knock at his door.
Quasimodo opened the door, and beheld a man with no arms. Astonished, he asked the stranger, "How was it that you knocked on the door when you have no arms?" The stranger replied, "I used my forehead. I'm here to apply for the position of bell-ringer."
Now, Quasimodo didn't really believe that the stranger could do the job, but, being a physically challenged person himself, decided to be politically correct and at least give the man a chance to prove himself. So, they climbed to the top of one of the towers of Notre Dame, and, at the scheduled time, the stranger banged his forehead against the great bells that hung there. He did it with such grace, precision, timing and art that Quasimodo was almost moved to tears.
After the final note had fallen silent, Quasimodo declared that the job would be his as soon as he was ready for it. The stranger was so filled with joy that he jumped up and down – and slipped, falling from the belfry to the mighty steps of the cathedral below.
Quasimodo raced down the stairs and out the front door to where the stranger had fallen, but it was too late. A small crowd began to gather, and somebody asked the hunchback who the stranger was. Quasimodo replied solemnly, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."
After I checked out of General Hospital at the Edge of Night, leaving behind the Young and the Restless, I was filled with Ryan's Hope and began my Search for Tomorrow, so I followed my Guiding Light to Another World where I could be with All My Children – the Bold and the Beautiful – for the rest of the Days of Our Lives.
A innkeeper at a public house in England had a fine Alsacian dog. After many long years of faithful companionship, the dog died. The innkeeper was brokenhearted, and before they buried the animal he took a knife and cut off the tail. He took the tail to a taxidermist to be treated, then he put it on display in the pub for all to see and admire.
At half-past midnight, three days after the dog had died, the innkeeper awoke to the sounds of a dog wailing. It was an eerie, unnatural wail, not the sort of wail that was usually heard in those parts. Trembling a bit with fear, the innkeeper got up, lit a candle and went downstairs to investigate.
When he opened the front door of the pub, he beheld the ghostly spectre of his dog. The eyes were empty save for the blue flames the flickered dimly in the shadowy sockets. The phantom wailed again, then looked at the innkeeper in despair and spoke. "For many years, I have been your faithful companion and friend, and you have treated me with love and respect. But now, I cannot rest for I am incomplete. Please, return my tail to my body so that I may rest in peace."
"Sorry," the innkeeper replied tersely, "we don't retail spirits here past midnight."
I once applied for the position of "ruler designer" at Staedler, but I wasn't hired. I guess I just didn't measure up.
There was a country music fan in Nashville who'd collect her Johnny Paycheque and turn it into Johnny Cash.
My brother gave me an electric toothbrush for my last birthday. I told him that I couldn't use it because don't have electric teeth.
I once had a pet snake. I trained him to slither quickly, and he won several prizes in local and regional snake races. I named him "Calculator" because he was a fast adder.
I used to be an amateur photographer. One day I took a photograph of a friend. After I' d tripped the shutter, she asked me whether it was a good portrait of her or not. I told her that the answer was in the negative.