Computers Can Make You Laugh

A lighter look at the wacky world of the clever computer.

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Why do programmers keep confusing Hallowe'en and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25!

Advice to C/C++ programmers:

#ifdef GetAHearingAid

Here are some noteworthy viruses that can infect any system:

• AT&T Virus – every three minutes, it tells you what great service you're getting.
• MCI Virus – every three minutes, it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
• Arnold Schwartzenegger Virus – terminates & stays resident. It'll be back.
• Oprah Winfrey Virus – your 250MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
• Gallup Virus – 60% of infected PC's will lose 38% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus 3.5% 19 times out of 20).
• Warren Commission Virus – keeps your files sealed for 75 years.
• Elvis Virus – your computer gets slow and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across North America.
• U.S. Congressional Virus – it makes it nearly impossible to get any work done on your computer. Occasionally, it shuts down all services. The screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each side blaming the other side for the problem.
• Airline Virus – you're in Calgary, but your data is sent to Singapore.
• George H.W. Bush Virus – starts by boldly displaying, "Read my LISP's: no new TeX-es!" on the screen, then proceeds to fill up all of the free space on your hard drive with new TeX files and later blames it on the U.S. Congressional Virus.
• Oedipus Virus – makes your computer's processor want to marry its own motherboard.
• Miley Cyrus Virus – twerks your hard disk. Doesn't appear to have any other abilities, but still manages somehow to be incredibly virulent.

There's also some new anti-virus software:

• Paul Revere Anti-Virus – warns you of an impending infection – once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
• George W. Bush Anti-Virus – searches your computer for viruses of mass destruction. If it doesn't find any then it claims that your computer was infected at some earlier point and that installing this software was still the right decision, despite your concerns about the high annual license fees.
• Chicago Cubs Anti-Virus – makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

When you consider the history of the computer – ENIAC, EDSAC, EDVAC, BINAC, UNIVAC, ORDVAC, ILLIAC, MANIAC, AVIDAC, FLAC, JOHNNIAC, RAYDAC, DYSEAC, WEIZAC, RAMAC, SILLIAC, TIFRAC – you realize what the most fitting car for the computer engineer or programmer is: Pontiac.

Three IBM employees – a salesman, a hardware technician and a programmer – were riding in the same car one day when, all of a sudden, one of the tires went flat. The salesman, who was driving, stopped the car and got out. After surveying the situation for few seconds, he declared, "We need to buy a new car."

The hardware technician also got out and said, "Let's not be too hasty. Why don't we just keep swapping the tires around until we figure out which one is flat?"

The programmer rolled down the window and said to the other two, "Both of you, get in. Let's just keep going, and maybe the problem will correct itself."

Are you bored with UNIX? If so then try entering these commands at a UNIX command shell (note the punctuation carefully):

• got a light?
• man: why did you break up with your girlfriend?
• mkdir matter; cat >matter

If you're fortunate enough to still have an old copy of DOS on your computer then you can have some fun with these commands as well (again, note the punctuation carefully):

• FIND "SOMALIA" EVIDENCE (this hearkens back to a 1990's DND scandal)
• DIR >TO
MOVE TO UTOPIA:
• DATE A MARRIED PERSON

Everybody has surely heard about the computer that contracted a virus and became terminally ill. It kicked the bucket in the end, but it didn't kick it hard enough the first time so it had to re-boot.

Great computer oxymorons I have known:

• RS-232 standard
• Pentium 32-bit floating-point division
• Courteous Microsoft technical support staff
• 640x400 hi-resolution graphics
• Bug-free software
• OS/2 marketing strategy
• Microsoft Windows 3.xx/95/98/Me multitasking

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None – they leave the dead one in, and say that darkness is the new standard!